In this video, we learn some parenting advice from parenting expert Eileen Hayes: positive parenting.
Anastasia Baker: Parenting is a notoriously tricky business with no definitive right or wrong way to do it. As a parent yourself you will know that everyone has a different opinion on how to do things and that aren't usually in telling you how to do it properly. Well Eileen Hayes is a parenting expert and the Editor of your family magazine. Welcome to you. Thanks for coming in today. So what is positive parenting? What is that all about? Eileen Hayes: I think it is puzzling for lots of parents. It's quite easy to see what negative parenting is. One we see somebody shouting and yelling and saying a few if you do that again you will get whatever. It's easy to understand those negatives. But to be positive since it looks like more tricky, I mean the way I often describe -- catch them being good. Parents spend a lot of time trying to catch that' child being naughty. They are always on the lookout for bad behavior or naughty behavior and trying to deal with it. And actually the trick is to think which of the behaviors I like and give those the most attention. Anastasia Baker: Can you give us an example just to be clear? Eileen Hayes: Its very tempting if your children are just sitting playing quietly to just get on and you know make a lunch and just say nothing about it. What you should do is go and say I really love it when you are playing so quietly together, thank you very much. It gives me time to make the lunch. And since they are artificial at first when parents try out, but that should work like a dream. We are always a little bit one step ahead of children. They don't see as artificial at all. It really helps them to. Anastasia Baker: Do you think ultimately children are people pleasers. They do want to please. Eileen Hayes: They particularly want to please their parents and that can be hard for parents to understand, because if you fall into the opposite trap of only giving attention when the behave badly, then you think, you kind of think that they behave badly all the time. You say you are making too much noise or stop that racket and you will just focussing on that behavior. So it's the timing lap around and trying to notice the times they are behaving well. And the more you can do that the more they behave well. People think it wont work. But I know it does. I do with my own fore children. And it does work; it really does over a period, over a long term. Anastasia Baker: So give us an example of what not to do then, sort of some negative parenting if you like it? Eileen Hayes: Well, it never helps if you wait till the child is really doing something you hate and then start screaming and shouting but because children also learn by example. So, the more you are yelling and losing that above everything, the more they will tend to do the same. Anastasia Baker: And copy that behavior. Eileen Hayes: Its hard obviously in a stressful life to be calm and laid back. Anastasia Baker: When your child is pouring their food all over the place, I mean what is positive about that? Eileen Hayes: I think there are two different types going on there. One is the fact that a lot of behavior that parents call naughty is actually very much normal behavior. Is trying to remember, you can check this out with your friends. If every two year old is doing the same thing, that's normal behavior. Did not whether as grieving to parents and you find a strain its still normal behavior and every one year old will crawl and touch the video and the TV? Every two year old will mess with their food. Every three year old will challenge you and say no to things. These are normal behaviors. The more you understand it helps you to think what they will grow out. That's the first thing. But there are behaviors of course you cant ignore, like a one of them is pouring paint over other one's hair or your toddler is the one that bites another one and that's -- the wild behaviors you cant ignore. You need to have to Anastasia Baker: To pick you move. Eileen Hayes: Exactly. You don't keep you reactions for the times when you really have no choice, when another, when safety is involved or they are hurting somebody else. Then that's the time to say no this cant happen and then that has more impact. Whereas if you are saying no to everything they just -- and they are not bothered at all about it. So is, keeping that does have some impact. Anastasia Baker: And what about smacking really bad behavior. What are your views on smacking? Eileen Hayes: Well, smacking definitely isn't part of positive parenting. That's the negative parenting. No parents are same and obviously in the real world there are days when it all gets on top of you and you just cant make another minute safer and people do end up smacking shouting and doing things they don't want to do. And -- perfect parents and not some simply person she wouldn't probably useful for children. But what you need to do then is say I shouldn't have done that. I lose that, mommy shouldn't have done that. Apologize, kiss and make up and try again. That's a really valuable lesson for children that parents make mistakes too. They can say their sorry. Its not just children who get wrong. That's actually the wait sort of deal with that. Anastasia Baker: So, always try and find something positive and your advice on just having may be fewer bound fewer rules in the house. I think a lot of people get very over -- this and a punishment for this and they get simple down with their rules and regulations in their house. Eileen Hayes: I think in a way -- works for you. Some people prefer to really have clear rules. You got to keep them done for small children, because they cant understand dozens of rules. You got two or three rules and then they can follow it. And a lot of people find -- if you find something helps you to be a positive parent then it's a great technique for you. But rules, you do need rules, you need limits. Positive parenting is not about having no limits. Anastasia Baker: Right. Eileen Hayes: You got to have the very simplest, just like saying to your child you cant hurt another child or we don't allow hitching in this family or something like that. But it could be something like you know you must brush your teeth when I ask you once, not four times or you have to go to bed when I say. Whatever rules a parent needs in their family and routines help, because once you do it at that time everyday and the child understands as a routine, then the battle is over. You get to a stage where you don't have a battle of. So regular routines are helpful. But you know I wouldn't want to say don't, don't do these things. But lots of parents find them helpful. That's what you find helpful. Anastasia Baker: And being consistent isn't? That's also a key issue, isn't? Some people they follow the rules Eileen Hayes: But I am not very consistent, I don't think. Sometimes people get very worried about this they think walk on go get some sweets today because set was never getting them sweets and you know what I mean. We can chill out little bit sometimes and you can't be consistent every single day and always have that. You can say it to your child. We are doing this today, but its not everyday. Mommy has decided to do it today because you were really good walking quietly here or whatever. And you can change a rule and explain and that's why you are doing. Again people get too hung off and they think they have got to follow the rules all the time. Anastasia Baker: Well, that's what may be not same any. Eileen Hayes: Yes. Anastasia Baker: What about biting. You mentioned biting earlier. How could you do with biting behavior in a positive parenting way? Eileen Hayes: Well the negative way is to bite the child back to show them it hurts. Anastasia Baker: Okay. Eileen Hayes: Which actually a lot of parents think that's the way you do it. They think well they have done it. I will show them it hurts. Anastasia Baker: then doesn't the child think and say hey Eileen Hayes: Its crazy because you are showing the child the behavior okay if somebody else does it, it doesn't make sense. They don't get that. So you have tell the child its wrong. You have to get, getting done to their level always helps for the small children. You cant talk from up here so that don't hear. You have to get done eye level and its about body language. Showing you mean something. You must tone your voice. When you want your child to do something, you use a particular tone of voice. You say don't run in the road or don't talk. Your child will do it when they hear that tone of voice. So saying that was not to you. You know hurt another child or crying you don't it and removing them from the situation is really the best way to deal with that. And quite often also given the attention to the hurt child because you know again its about the attention children love attention. Then will do anything to get this. So if you turn most attention to the hurt child and say are you okay, you know they are not getting that satisfactory attention that can be quite a good technique to -- Anastasia Baker: And then in a positive way presumably, when they don't do it for a certain period, reward them for that for not doing it. Eileen Hayes: You shouldn't need to keep giving rewards for good behavior, because once they get to second nature, you know a cuddle or a kiss or a little bit of a praise, you shouldn't need child for long periods or actual rewards. But sometimes they are useful to turn the behavior around. They gotten a situation where they are doing things badly and lost with. They cant be helpful. But once behavior is established, you shouldn't need you then. But remembering praise and being saying thank you and all of that, if you just totally forget, then you are back to thinking nobody notices when I do it nicely. Anastasia Baker: Yeah sure. So in a nutshell you would talk tips of positive parenting and how to do it. Eileen Hayes: Catch them being good instead of constantly trying to catch them being naughty, I can not tell what difference that makes even to parents. In our household where's that's going on as a happier household we are not constantly worrying and throat. It really doesn't make a big difference. It gives the descriptive phrase. Say what it is forward, not just generally you are a good boy or that was a good girl, because they don't know that. You describe what the phrase is for. And you know how you humorous can? well though lighten. I think the problem is where people get worried about -- and they think you got to be a disciplinarian all the time. Better humor but if you want the toys picked up, try falling over them and say oh I am falling over those toys. If we don't pick them up instead of saying can you put those toys? Anastasia Baker: Oh, make it into a game. Eileen Hayes: Yeah, make it into a game. Anastasia Baker: -- Eileen Hayes: You know all those sorts of things, pretend for the shoes on that they have worn, running up to take the bath when they refuse. A bit of humor keeps a nice atmosphere in the family and really lightens Anastasia Baker: And one does get. Eileen Hayes: You guess the time you are worrying about the rules that we -- on time and a bit of fun back into the family. I think its probably one must see -- Anastasia Baker: Especially when they are little. Eileen Hayes: Oh yeah, because its over so quickly and you don't want to be constantly seeing yourselves as a disciplinarian. You want to think you had fun with your child and all just happened naturally. Anastasia Baker: Eileen, thank you so much for coming in today. Eileen Hayes: With pleasure.