For many women, a new baby means your whole life changes, including your sex life. How do you keep romance alive when all you want to do when you get into bed is sleep? Therapist Rachel Sussman has tips to help you rekindle your sex life after the baby comes.
How to Rekindle Your Sex Life After Having a Baby Lisa Birnbach: Hi, I'm Lisa Birnbach for Howdini. If you’ve been with the same person for a long time, odd to all your sex life can use a little spicing up. But how do you approach that subject with your partner without hurting feelings? Rachel Sussman is a couple’s therapist to us here to help us with this particular minefield. Hi, Rachel. Rachel Sussman: Hi, Lisa. Lisa Birnbach: What do you do? Rachel Sussman: You have to communicate. Generally one person in the couple decides that there's something wrong with the sex life where its a little hum drumming. You’re thinking about it. Maybe obsessing about it, getting upset about it. You’ve got to talk to your partner. And you’ve got to sit down in just a really nice open gentle way and say, hey, some things gone a little off track here. How can we work together as a team to get it back on track? Lisa Birnbach: Do you recommend wine, French maids outfit? I mean doing something sexual have this conversation. Rachel Sussman: Well, a little French maid outfit can’t hurt. But I think if you have this conversation and sure make it fun. Talk to your partner about what can you do to spice up your sex life and you know, let's face it variety is the spice of life. Also, we’re in a society where people replace their cars very couple of years. I mean we’re used to having new and exciting and if you want your marriage to work out in your long-term relationship to work out, sex is a very important ingredient. And you really need to just talk to your partner about what kind of fun things can you add to the relationship to get it back on track. Lisa Birnbach: What if your partner really does suggest something that is unthinkable to you? Or makes you think that maybe I don’t really know him as well as I thought I did? Rachel Sussman: When it comes to sex, a lot of us have some secret fantasies. And I think couples who can communicate and really talk about their fantasies are the ones that have the best options available to them. And they really could have a great sex life. But if your partner recommends something to you that really shocking to you, often times our first reaction is no, no way I'm never going to do this. And what I recommend is sit with it for a little bit, think about it. And then you can go back to your partner and ask them, what is it about this fantasy or what is this about what you’d like me to do that really turns you on. Talk about it. Lisa Birnbach: Let's say you’re married. Your sex life is unsatisfying and you have an idea about fantasy that you might like to experiment with your husband, I mean. How do you get the courage to tell him? Rachel Sussman: Well listen, I think that you have to find the courage to tell him. And I think you can practice and you can talk it through to yourself. And then maybe sit down with your husband, call a meeting and go out for a nice quite dinner and say, we've been talking about reviving our sex life in different ways in which we can do this and I have an idea to do something that might be fun. Would you be open to hearing my idea? And then, let it rip. Lisa Birnbach: I guess there's no harm in saying, would you be open to hearing it. And if he says I don’t want to hear it that tells you something too. Rachel Sussman: If he says I don’t want to hear it, it certainly does tell you something. And then you have to have patience and say well, why don’t you want to hear it? Is there something about this that seems threatening or scary to you? Is there a way that I can help you overcome that? Is there a way that together we can work on spicing up our sex life? Lisa Birnbach: How out of the ordinary should you allow yourself to go? Rachel Sussman: Well, dare to dream. Variety is the spice up life. Have some fun with your partner. If you're finding that you really can't get the words out and you really can't talk to your partner about sex or trying to and they are not listening that’s a great time to call in a relationship expert or a marriage counselor. Lisa Birnbach: And its not irreparable, that’s the bottom line. Rachel Sussman: It’s not irreparable and what a counselor could often a couple do is finding the words and create a safe space so these feelings and thoughts can be articulated in a way that could really do some good to the marriage. Lisa Birnbach: Now also logistically, you have kids, you have a job, you have a busy life, how do you really as a couple make time in your life for sex without losing the romance? Rachel Sussman: Well, I think it is important to schedule the sex date and the research shows that when couples do it, it is very effective. And people are always scared of that’s not going to seem spontaneous enough. But you know what, there's not a lot of time often for spontaneity in busy lives. So you really have to plan a date night and go and do something really fun and just make sure that the evening ends with having sex or begins with having sex. Lisa Birnbach: Thanks Rachel. Rachel Sussman: Thanks Lisa. Lisa Birnbach: For Howdini, I'm Lisa Birnbach.