Description

For the majority, being a new mum is great but for some it can be a really tough time, blighted by loneliness and isolation. If you're suffering Parentline have advice to help you through this trying time.

Transcript

Wendy Turner-Webster: The arrival of a new baby isn't always a happy occasion it's supposed to be. A growing number of women in the UK is suffering isolation and loneliness as 21st century living means no more popping round the corner to talk to mum. Valerie Outram from the charity Parentline Plus is here today to talk about this unfortunate growing trend and what new mums can do to combat this unwanted isolation. Hello Valerie! Valerie Outram: Hello! Wendy Turner-Webster: Now Parentline Plus, just give a general idea of what that charity is all about? Valerie Outram: Well, Parentline Plus is a national charity and it's the largest independent provider of support for parents in the country. I suppose, the core of this service that we provide is a 24 hour helpline and that's 365 days a year, so that parents who are experiencing difficulty can ring in anytime day or night and talk to somebody that can help them through whatever it is they're going through at the moment. On top of that, through the helpline, we have add-on services, we call and if a call-taker thinks that a parent could do with extra support, they can access a six-week one-to-one telephone support with one worker, which is a bit of an extra thing that we've just added. There is an email service that they connect us through the website. Also, in the areas across the country, we have face-to-face groups and workshops that parents can access and join other parents talking about the problems that they're having and see if they can work things out. Wendy Turner-Webster: So specifically, in what ways you're talking about at the moment, isolation and loneliness, how big a problem is that at the moment? Valerie Outram: Well, it's a very big problem, actually. There are about 40% of our callers mention isolation is a problem. Of course, that means that they're worried about their own mental health and that also, of course, impacts on the child's mental health. So it's a very large problem. Wendy Turner-Webster: In terms of, do they just feel that they have no one close to turn to and what happens to them that that becomes the case? Is it what we've said 21st century living? Valerie Outram: I think, it is, really. I think that families are much more divergent than they used be. We have a rising divorce rate. We have people moving around the country and there is not the same sort of family network that maybe the past generation had. That family network is the one that is really important in giving support and preventing those feelings of isolation. Wendy Turner-Webster: My husband and I often say -- we've, obviously, both moved to London now. My parents are out in Staffordshire. His mum is out in Essex. My sister is out in Surrey. We often say there is no one for us who is just around the corner. Valerie Outram: Exactly. Wendy Turner-Webster: And who you can sort of say to, I just need half an evening off, can you have the kids or something? There is no one like that and so it becomes I have to get babysitters. Valerie Outram: That's expensive. Wendy Turner-Webster: Expensive, and it all becomes like a military operation to get yourself five minutes peace. Valerie Outram: That's right. Yes. Wendy Turner-Webster: So yes, I can identify with that absolutely. So is it generally you would find single parents calling in or can a husband and wife for a partnership feel isolated themselves? Valerie Outram: I think, yes, isolation can happen. There are feelings of isolation that happen to people in marriages or -- Wendy Turner-Webster: Even within in a happy marriage. Valerie Outram: Exactly. If the husband is sort of struggling away after work all day, maybe working long hours, then a married woman can feel equally isolated. When we talk about single parents, that means that we're likely to talk about alone parents is because now with divorce, of course, on separation, there is a whole different categories of people on their own with their children. The people that call across all barriers, really, there is no particular class or a social economic group. It's anybody and everybody. We recognize that everybody experiences difficulties time to time with their children and no matter how much money or anything that you've got. So it's really across the board. Wendy Turner-Webster: Yes. What are some of the specific problems, say, just to give us an idea that people would call Parentline Plus about? Valerie Outram: Well, you name it. Wendy Turner-Webster: Specifically, say, a range. Valerie Outram: Yeah, that you name it, they call about it. I suppose, in terms of big topics, isolation is one of them. Money problems, people ring up without children about pulling school issues. They also ring about conflict in the home and behavior from their children that they're finding hard to manage. So a lot of it is also incorporated into problems, of course, relationship difficulties with ex-partners, contact issues, all those things add to the general sort of feeling of lack of coping. Wendy Turner-Webster: Specifically, talking about isolation and loneliness, how would that manifest itself in say more often than not, it is the mother who is going to be calling? Presumably, that sort of come to its end by the time they're calling you. Valerie Outram: Yes, I think, they have. I mean, we get a lot of crises calls, people that are at the other end of the tunnel, they find our phone number in phonebook or something, they try us and they call. Hopefully, they find somebody to talk to that will listen. That's what really our service is about, listening to that individual problems and not setting ourselves up as experts, particularly, we're parent-to-parent support. Wendy Turner-Webster: What kind of things can you suggest them, say that somebody rings you and says that I feel so terribly lonely and isolated and my family lives nowhere near, basically, I'm lonely? What kind of things do you suggest? Valerie Outram: Well, we would take somebody, obviously, through their individual situations. Wendy Turner-Webster: Very personal service, really. Valerie Outram: It is a very personal service and we look at exactly what situation is. Sometimes, you do that, you just have to face the fact that there isn't very much that this parent can do. But, of course, they can always call in to us. But we would go through practical options that are available to them and we have the numbers of all sorts of other organizations that could call that we can give out to them. Then they can find maybe local support groups. People like Gingerbread or Lone Parents Association, all those sort of different organizations that are more local to them. I think, a lot of it is just about talking through what it is they're going though. Once they've had somebody to offload that, then they can go back and feel stronger and are able to cope more with their own problems. Wendy Turner-Webster: What percentage do you feel of males do you get, fathers ringing in? Valerie Outram: We do get fathers and we do have some male call-takers as well. Obviously, it's not a huge amount. It's probably reflective of the amount in the general population about how many fathers as opposed to mothers are the main carer. But we definitely get and even in a situation where a mother is caring, we will get fathers ring in or some of the stepfathers, that's quite a big group that they feel slightly uneasy and they're coming into already formed family. So they find the difficult emotions that brings up, so we do get the fathers ringing, definitely. Wendy Turner-Webster: Can loneliness and isolation turn in really to full-blown depression? I imagine it, that easily does. Valerie Outram: Yes, of course, it's a real tricker. Where a parent is experiencing stress, they've got no money, they've got no friends, they've got no family, then they become very internalized and there is no one to turn to. Then, it can be a downward spiral and hopefully that's where we can help and step in. If they ring us and they feel that they can talk to somebody offload what they're going through, talk to some friendly voice and somebody that's a parent that knows what it is they're going through. Wendy Turner-Webster: Who can sympathize. Valerie Outram: Can sympathize. Wendy Turner-Webster: Presumably, the very act of ringing you up and sharing it, talking to somebody about another adult, if sometimes you locked for 24 hours a child in the house. Valerie Outram: Exactly. Yes and you're desperate for an adult conversation. Wendy Turner-Webster: Yes, that's right. Valerie Outram: Yes. We do get people just ringing out for a chat, we get some people that ring every night. Wendy Turner-Webster: Really? Valerie Outram: Yes. We're there to give them a support and be a friend. I think that provides for a great need that's out there. Wendy Turner-Webster: Of course, one of the things that your service does that is very vital, I suppose, is to lessen the impact that it's having on the children. Valerie Outram: Of course, yes. There are so many agencies devoted to childcare and worrying about child welfare and, of course, not recognizing that without looking after the parent, you can't look after the child. So it has to be a whole family approach ready to be effective. There is no point putting enormous amount of effort into children without looking at the parents, when the children are being cared for, the parents need the support. Most parents want to do the best they can for their children and they need the support. Wendy Turner-Webster: Presumably, as well, it's so good to share with somebody what they're going through inasmuch as you are reassuring that parent that they're not alone, because sometimes they say, I must be the only person in the world who feels like this. Valerie Outram: Yes, definitely, and especially with a new baby. You're in the middle of the night and you feel like you're the only woman who's awake at five in the morning, definitely. But, of course, we are awake. Wendy Turner-Webster: And everyone else is supermum. Valerie Outram: Exactly, yes. There's this sort of image, if everybody else getting on with it and coping and then you're not. I think, every parent has experienced that and say, it's definitely right across any sort of class or income barriers really. Everybody has felt that at some point. Wendy Turner-Webster: Anyone watching this program who is feeling sort of, oh, they're talking about me, and I feel lonely or isolated or any other things we've talked about, do you have general tips, advice or would you -- rather they rang in to go through that personal details? Valerie Outram: I think, it's always good to talk, to offload what is your feeling and we can give specific help to you as an individual. I suppose, generally, it's to try and access the support through your local libraries, to go into your local town hall. There is the support out there if you look for it. Unfortunately, statistic show that the people that are least likely to access the support that's out there are the ones without a family network. Wendy Turner-Webster: They're catch-22. Valerie Outram: It is a bit of a catch-22, the ones with a family network, feel more able to access professional help. I feel more confident about doing that. But, I suppose, the message is that it is out there, just pick up the phone. Wendy Turner-Webster: You said, you can then put these people in touch with other organizations? Valerie Outram: Yes. Wendy Turner-Webster: So all of a sudden, just the picking up a phone, you've got a complete network that's available to you. Valerie Outram: Exactly. Yes, one phone call will open up a whole range of options that will help you get out of the situation you're in, hopefully. Wendy Turner-Webster: Of course, they should also feel reassured that they're talking -- when they ring your charity, they're talking to parents. Valerie Outram: Yes. All our call-takers are parents and have parenting experience. So they know what is like and, as I said, we're not really setting ourselves up with some sort of an expert, a legal advice or child benefits advice. It's not that, it's about offloading your emotional problems and finding support and looking at what's happening for you and how the best way to go forward for you. Wendy Turner-Webster: Absolutely. Well, keep up the good work. Valerie Outram: Okay. Wendy Turner-Webster: Thank you very much for telling us all about. Valerie Outram: Okay. Thank you. Wendy Turner-Webster: Thank you.